Water Talk

The Mushroom Cap of Anger and Fear

Making over my bathroom today. Nothing serious, just a little long over-due decorating. The crystals whispered to me earlier today; "We all want to be in your bathroom. You need us there right now. Besides, we love the close proximity with water."

They were right, having them close and at the ready on the fly is exactly what I need. Some of that old pain and anger has been playing trixy with my mind today. Four years of work on this issue and it still gets me sometimes. Surprised, I caught myself deep in "stinking thinking today."

Gosh, how does that still creep in and hijack my amygdala. 90 seconds lost to tripe. Slow deep breaths... eyes close ... more deep breaths as I begin the Gayatri Mantra.

Om bhur bhuvah suvahtat savitur vareṇyaṃbhargo devasya dhīmahidhiyo yó naḥ pracodayāt

The Robert Fox interpretation
"O Effulgent Light of creation! Let the Sun of Truth illuminate my divinity. And meditation allow my thoughts to be inspired by Thee."

I was really expressing some old anger today. Thankfully it was merely to myself. And, even this is not good practice to sit in it for long. I managed to recognize what was happening in the moment and make a shift to joyful living. I pondered awhile though on the strength of the venom I was generating. This, the one thing I still have not faced or allowed many feelings expression over it. This a particularly sour and tough lime to grind.

Careful to steer clear of victim thinking, I allowed myself a structured amount of time to "feel" about the situation. Then, no more. Instead I dove into some tough questions.

• What fear is at the root of my anger?
• Where have I agreed with the situation when a more healthy response from me would have been more prudent? 
• Where have I freely given away my power?
• What is my personal payoff for choosing to give my power away?
• How does this situation serve me?
• What actions can I take on my own behalf that will ensure I keep myself safe?
• If I allow this situation to continue as it presently exists, what might it look like in the future?

These Affirmations come to heart:

• I am fully capable and willing to act on my own behalf to keep myself safe in any situation. 
• I am adept at spotting energy manipulation from others.
• When I call upon my voice, it is always there for me.
• I express myself clearly and well in any situation. 
• It is right and good that I have boundaries. 
• If people choose to cross my boundaries, I have choices. 
• I create my reality.
• I create my experiences. 
• The meaning of the communication is the results that I get. 

I was once taught that if you look deeply enough into any given situation where-in you find yourself experiencing anger ... look deeper still and you will discover that a fear is hiding there.This teacher went up to a chalkboard and drew the cap of a mushroom and then its stem. They labeled the cap with "Anger" and the stem with "Fear."

One of the most helpful lessons ever given to me by an instructor to this day. It's an invaluable self check-in.

I'm so grateful today that I am not at the effect of my life, my emotions, or my thoughts. The most they ever get from me is 90 seconds. That's how long you are duped by the amygdala response system - and after that, you have full choice. My boyfriend is my hero on this one. He's gotten so good at identifying the actual sensation that occurs at the beginning of an amygdala hijack that he can even stop it before it gets started and has a chance to take root. He is often able to bypass the whole event. I'm getting there.

(I'll come back and add some exercises I plan to implement in order to work through this stuff. May it be of service to you as well.)  

Finally I Give in to my Heart

His love falls softly into my heart. It reaches every nook and cranny, every aching place, every particle of hope, every forgotten dream, every burgeoning  expression of my own love. It soothes and whispers to all of me ... inviting a different experience ... inviting my vulnerability.

I'm standing in the kitchen, hands on either side of the sink, heart in a knot, tears just below the surface - tears that won't come. My throat aches with them and it feels like a plum pit has somehow become lodged there. I want it gone. Every part of me is involved in the experience of sorrow and the rage I've carried for four years. I want to be angry. Anger stuffs sadness under the rug. I want ... ohh I don't know what I want. I just don't want to feel this rage. I want peace.

He tells me I've already overcome it ... I'm overcoming it now.

"No I'm not. I haven't dealt with it at all. That's why it's still here. That's why I feel this way. But it's different now. It feels somehow different - like the lid has blown off the pressure cooker and it's all right here, it's all I can see and feel. I don't want this ... I want to be done with it."

 I look up ... across the pass-through counter to him. He's sitting at our dining table. Our eyes connect and I "feel" his love pour into me through them. A part of me wants to turn away ... avert my gaze. It's too hard to let myself be softened. It scares me.

I give in to this fear and go back to cooking our meal ... try to forget ... to distract myself ... to stuff these thoughts and feelings.

Bless his beautiful heart, I should have known he wouldn't let that happen. I turn and he's there. He wraps his arms around me and simply says "I love you."

Something about the way he says it always transforms it from simple words into a healing balm. I feel it. I know it. I can't avoid it ..... and I'm so, so grateful for that.

I cling to him, feeling, reeling, and finally I give in to my heart. I sit down on its throne and all at once the immediate pain subsides. Just like that. I smile at him, he smiles back. He goes back to his work, and I to mine.

I'm standing at the sink again. I think of the water ... live giving ... healing. It's like love ... there's no place it can't go and no thing that will not give way to it's path. Even stone, given time will yield the path for water to travel. My heart feels like that stone tonight, and even it must yield the path for love.

I called this man to me before we even met. I called this love and summoned it forth. I am ready for it. I am willing to heal.

I think sometimes when we resist love, it's not because we "want" to resist it. It's because we want to see what will happen when we do. What will our own heart say? It's kind of like our way of checking weather we are truly ready or not. If we resist our own vulnerability and opening with our actions, will our heart speak up and say ... "I'm no longer willing to resist. I am ready to open."

If you are ready to open your heart more fully too, here are a few things I'm doing that may also support you in your own process:


An Open Heart Holds the Key to Healing
"Until we see with the eyes of the Heart, listen to the roar of the world through the ears of the Heart, and peer into the future with the comprehension of the Heart, we can never know a thing, nor will we ever be whole. The Heart unites us all, regardless of our differences, in this common understanding, and brings compassion to our troubled world. " - Agni Yoga teaching


Yoga that Opens the Heart 
Gentle backbends are a great way to encourage the heart to open as they open the front-body, including your heart, chest, throat, etc. These may be done with the support of blocks and bolsters if you choose. Bridge Pose is my favorite! It really opens me up.

A few other options include fish pose, dhanurasa, and urdhva dhanurasana.

Adding a mantra of your making, or holding an empowering image in your minds eye will really bring a rich fullness to your experience. Mine is simple: "I Am Ready to Open My Heart", and I envision a sunflower. (I used to pretend I was a sunflower growing and reaching for the sun when I was little) It connects me with my child heart.

Vibrational Allies
Working with crystals and gemstones is a great support to me. I use Emerald  & Rose Quartz together. The heart chakra resonates well to the colors of green and pink. Pink stones, such as rose quartz, resonate with the "higher" heart, or thymus chakra and assist in ones receptiveness to divine love, forgiveness, and the release of fear. Green emeralds have a lovely heart based energy and are a powerful aid for women as they bring through Goddess energy. These green stones also help us step more fully into feelings of unconditional love and compassion.

Archangel Chamuel: The Loving One
Another fabulous support to you may be found in working with Archangel Chamuel. This is the archangel of the pink ray of divine love. Simply a light one or more pink candles, hold some rose quartz, and begin praying to Chamuel. Alternatively you may lay back in a comfortable position and place the rose quartz upon your heart chakra.

The Beloved

In the misty early morning hours I gaze upon a solitary pine tree silhouetted against the gossamer sky ... and I knew The Beloved. ~ Sophlili 

Weekly Affirmations: World Peace

I contribute to a world of peace through the power of my word.

With the power of my word, I contribute to the creation of my reality in every now! 

                                      ~ Sophlili Achnil 

Embrace Your Joyful Nowist!™

Ahh, my perfect Joy. It is always there. I often touch it and squeal in glee, marvel that it is me, and express gratitude for being so free. ~ Sophlili Achnil

I used to be weighed down by the circumstances of my life - held back and choked by little fears. Little fears that became huge fears and kept me from my bliss. I was at the effect of my emotions and the world at large on a daily basis. It was surely a personal hell of my own making, though at the time I didn't know I was creating it.

In time I came to understand that I was the creator and co-creator of my universe and slowly, little by little, my fears saw that they too had choice. They could transform their experience and their beingness. They could become all that they dreamed of being. They could join in creating beauty and that they too were love at the heart of them. Once they became aware of their true nature they fell less and less into their old behaviors.

Someone once told me,

There are two kinds of people in the world - 

The Do-Better's and The Joyful's. 

Which one are you being today?

This sparked something inside me. It gave me a way of seeing that I previously had not had access to. For the first time I saw that I had choice in the matter. I could choose to be happy no matter what circumstances were presenting themselves in my life. It followed that soon after this discovery, I made another:

Whatever is in my life, is there because I put it there. 

Whoever is in my life, is there because I put them there.

Whatever experience I am having, I am creating.

I am Cause in my life.  

Once again I had become aware that I had choice! Not only did I have choice ... I was cause in the way my life showed up and the quality of life I experienced. I had come to the understanding that I AM A CREATOR. Wow! That was big news. It carried with it an enormous responsibility. To be frank, I wasn't sure I liked it or wanted that kind of leadership position in my life. Being a victim was just fine with me. It was waayyy less responsibility and work. So again, I started on my process of acceptance. Acceptance - used to take me a very long time to conjure.

What I really had to walk through to allow my acceptance to thrive was that what I really wanted more than anything in the world was ... to be at cause in my life and to offer by BEINGness up to the world in such a way as to assist others to be joyful too.

Due to my relationship with my Mother in my childhood, I had erected a pretty big barrier to accepting responsibility for assisting anyone through life's challenges. When I was young my Mother was quite troubled and I always felt it was me who was responsible for helping her walk out of those troubles and to the other side where she could be free. To this day, I have not yet been able to reach her and she is still suffering. Deep down I figured, "If I couldn't help her, how can I help anyone?" Deep inside, I was holding this as up an epic personal failure, and a reason not to be what I came to the planet to be. 

Slowly, slowly, in its infinite mercy, the Universe brought me through this as well. In time I saw that my whole life had been orchestrated to create in me the tools necessary for me to fulfill on My Soul Truth™.

What a waste it would have been for me to live in sorrow over not expressing my purpose. Once I was able to see this, I was no longer willing to accept my self-inflicted fate as a victim. I was ready to accept responsibility. I was ready to embrace my response-ability in full.

Marcus Aurelius once said:

Begin - to begin is half the work, let half still remain; 

again begin this, and thou wilt have finished. 

~ Marcus Aurelius 

This little morsel of wisdom from Marcus has been a great help and inspiration to me along the way. There were so many times in my journey when I felt so overwhelmed and it seemed like giving up would be so much better than facing such an enormous task - such as re-creating my reality. Ooof, it seemed so daunting at times.

I used to walk around in fear and saddness, rarely catching a glimpse of my true self. I used to really dislike my life. This is not the case anymore. I love my life. It is beautiful and full of love and kindness and infinite joy. I am nearly married to my best friend, I have a wonderful, peaceful home - not a house ... a home. I have fully claimed and embraced my unbounded soul as magnificent, and I love being cause in my life!

Suddenly, because oddly it really did seem that way ... I awoke to discover myself a Joyful Nowist.